Upset, Anger, Frustration and Sadness - with Questions...
Hmmm, Tonight my head doesn’t work. Tonight I don’t know where I am going. Tonight I can not lend a hand. I don’t know where I stand on this land.
I have this evening been on many roller coaster rides within myself and my feelings. These however have not been your standard roller coasters (like the Thunder Blot at Movie World in Queensland – that has 2 consecutive loops), these have had sudden corners that make your insides ram up against each other. They are unfamiliar in many ways but like the Mad Mousse in others. As I ride it I can see the pile of nuts and bolts that the roller coaster requires sitting there in the centre of the ride. They are so close yet so far away. I have already started the ride and fear to reach my arms out and grab hold of the nuts and bolts and other objects required to make the ride smoother.
The ride starts slow – it was almost at a stand still just yesterday and this morning and now it is accelerating. There is nothing I can do I am in it for the whole ride now.
“Yo”
Not the type of response I expected to hello. But still it is something but things don’t look good right from this moment on…
Conversation gets going and so does the pace of the ride, before long I am requiring a slight break and coffee and that when it happens – always when you least expect it. The ride hits a major bump.
“…there is something I need to tell you…”
My head drops I knew this was coming, I could just sense it.
How do you ignore the inevitable, when you know it is coming and you keep putting it off, you just tell yourself ‘this is not happening, things are fine just wait’, ‘everything takes time’ and ‘don’t rush things’. I have hit the bump and now I need to climb it – I need to see what the problem is and try to fix it. No point in covering it up – even ‘duck tape’ and “hundred-mile-an-hour tape’ release iat some point – things may as well be fixed right the first time.
“Ok then…”
The ride continues and it comes – I knew it, well something similar to it anyway. There was no spark – how can anything run when there is no sparks. When a vehicle’s spark plug has had it things go no where – you can see a little action and hear a little action but things just cant kick over and get moving. And this was the problem! I was stuck at the bottom of the hill and the ride had conked out on me. There was no sparks to get this ride going again, obviously the sparks that started the ride were damaged or just didn’t know what was happening at the very beginning…
So things start to get rather frustrating but I keep control of myself – there is no point in worrying over things that cannot be changed. Life must go on and we can always find another spark plug somewhere along the way – even if it takes a while.
Those feelings though – the feelings we had about the ride we were on, the feelings we had in regard to the ride and why it all started – they are not lost. Those are the feelings that remain within us forever. The feelings that arise each time you see something reminding you of the ride you were on. The feelings you get when you see the person you were riding with at the time, the feelings when you are at places where feelings began and where they ventured…
The questions I have however are:
Can you ever forget those feelings in order to try make life easier…?
Will those feelings one day be needed or called upon…?
How long will it take to see the people you were on a journey with and put the journey itself aside…?
Can you see someone you have immense feelings for and not allow the feelings to take over control...?
Is sharing a bed with the person you like, whom does not have the same feelings for you, ok to do...?
If you have shared a bed at one point and both been fine with it, can you continue to do it…? Even if for a whole week…?
Is there any chance of future feelings…?
If nothing was actually happening then why does this hurt so much…?
Why is sadness of the matter closely followed by anger…?
If I want him to be happy then shouldn’t I be glad he has decided he doesn’t want me…?
Why does this have to happen at this point in time…?
Is dinner still ok…?
What about the present I have sitting here…is that going to be viewed differently now that it is clear there is no intense feelings shared mutually…?
Have things been given their best shot…?
Were there opportunities lost…?
Was taking no action the right thing to do…?
Why do I still feel I am on a roller coaster…?
Why are my insides jumping around still…?
If I show any type of affection or care am I going to be seen as trying to push things…?
Does everything we have done together count for nothing…?
Do the images I saw also mean nothing…?
Why weren’t those pieces in the centre of the ride reaching out toward me…?
Why are ‘friends’ so shocked about this but unable to lend an ear…?
Many of these questions I will never know the answers to, but I can only wait and hope that a few get answered!
I sit my insides bouncing side to side,
Feeling I have just ridden a big metal slide.
Thought things were going so well,
Friends couldn’t really tell.
I waited patiently to make my move,
My affection I didn’t really prove.
I tried to take things slow,
My emotional side just wanted to blow.
I will always love him as a friend,
No matter what happens until the end.
I was told tonight I will kill myself,
Maybe that is the job of a little elf.
I am unable to sleep,
My insides – they hurt so deep.
Please promise me we will be friends forever,
Though it is no substitute for the love I wished to share together.
Just a little something I whipped together in the last 5 to 10 minutes. Any words of wisdom are always welcome – I try to do my best to help those who are in need but my sadness and anger is like a weed. Unable to be killed and it always makes a huge mess when spilled!
Current Mood: upset angry, frustrated & sad 
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